I have gone four complete days without pulling. This is a great accomplishment! I have little hair stubs growing in on one eye. This is nothing new...this is just when things start getting hard.
I have only petted my eyes once or twice a day for about 5 minutes each. If you are unaware of what I mean by petting, let me explain. I'm not going to say that every person who has Trich does it, but every one that I have talked to does. Petting is when you rub the hair that you pull before you pull it. You run your hands or fingertips over the hair that is just calling your name.
Don't have Trich and wondering what it feels like to pet? Well, I only pull out my lashes, and I can only tell you what it feels like to me. It probably feels different to someone who pulls out their scalp hair or anywhere else. When I pet my lashes, it's many different things put together.
First of all, it's like my fingers are little scavengers on the hunt for food. They search out and find the hair that feels the best. When they find that hair, they play with it. Feel it lightly, push on it, rub it back and forth, push it up to where it pokes the eyelid. After a while of playing with it, it gets plucked out.
Sometimes, petting is not at all my fingers hunting for hairs, at first. Sometimes, it starts out as simply trying to make myself comfortable. When your eyelashes are nothing but little hairs just starting to grow in, they don't curve upward yet. They grow straight down, then eventually they start curving upward when they get a little longer. Before they start curving outward, they are little pains. They poke the bottom lid every time you close your eyes (including just blinking). They make your eyes itch like crazy. Your solution? To rub the small eyelashes. Try to train them to stay upward. That leads to a petting frenzy and eventually a pulling frenzy. No more little hairs to poke your bottom lids.
Other times, petting is something subconcious. It's not a thought, my hand is just up there and I'm thinking about a million things BUT petting.
It's an odd thing. Trich is something that doctors have not yet understood. They are coming close to finding medicines that will help us, but have not yet. My biggest help: dailystregnth.com. Having people that know exactly what you are going through, are behind you 100%, and also look to you for support as well helps tremendously. If you are reading this blog, have Trichotillomania and you are not a part of daily strength, I encourage you to join. We'd love to have you!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
An Enemy Posing As A Friend
So you may be wondering why I named this blog Trichotillomania: An Enemy Posing As A Friend. It's a good question. Well have no fear! Kayloni is here!.... To explain.
I'm sure it's pretty obvious how Trich is an enemy. It can ruin your self-esteem. It can make it so that you never want to look anyone in they eye again, causing you to come off as rude or lying. It can make you act completely opposite of the definition of __(insert_your_name_here)__. It causes you to lie in that you never want to tell anyone that you are the only reason for your hair loss. Every fellow trich that I have talked to had some sort of made up story that they told most other people as to why they had a bald spot, whether it be on their head, eyelid, eyebrow, or anywhere else. For instance, I've always told everyone that my eyelashes just grow and then fall out. I tell everyone that no one knows why. For the 12 years that I have battled this, I have told everyone that exact story. I have told that story so many times that I have actually began to believe my own story. A commercial may come on tv about growing eyelashes. It sparks my attention and I think about buying it. Then I remember, that actually wouldn't help...I'll just pull them all out again.
So you can imagine what kind of enemy Trichotillomania can be. But now for the part you wouldn't expect. Trich poses as your friend.
You may say, "but Kayloni, my wise friend, how in the world could this awful thing ever even come off as your friend?" And I will say, "You're right about me being wise, and I'll tell you how it comes off as your friend."
First of all, when you do something for so long; years upon years, you begin to find comfort in it, no matter how harmful it is. I'm sure you have seen that commercial for the sour patch kids. "First they are sour, then they are sweet"? Trich is just like that, only the other way around. First is is sweet, then it is sour. You have this urge, and if you give into it, oh it feels so good. It relieves the tension as if you were getting a massage. It actually (for me, because I know it may be very different for other trichs) feels like there is pressure under the skin of my eyelashes, then the more I pull out, the more pressure is released.
Second of all, it always creeps into your mind. You think about it constantly. You WANT to hang out with good ole Trich. Trich's always been there. Just one little pull will make you feel a ton better.
But then that one pull turns into two, then three. Then you have a tiny bald spot. You feel that little spot for an hour or two. Your fingers grip the eyelash (or anykind of hair that a trich may be tugging at) that is right next to that bald spot. Out it comes. The bald spot gets larger. Suddenly, it's an hour later and there is nothing left to pull. You are running your fingers over bald eyelids. Your heart drops and you look in the mirror. Back to this. How long will it take for them to grow back? I need to restock on eyeliner now. Trich was back to his tricks. He posed as my friend, but I just remembered that he is my enemy. Damn you Trich.
I'm sure it's pretty obvious how Trich is an enemy. It can ruin your self-esteem. It can make it so that you never want to look anyone in they eye again, causing you to come off as rude or lying. It can make you act completely opposite of the definition of __(insert_your_name_here)__. It causes you to lie in that you never want to tell anyone that you are the only reason for your hair loss. Every fellow trich that I have talked to had some sort of made up story that they told most other people as to why they had a bald spot, whether it be on their head, eyelid, eyebrow, or anywhere else. For instance, I've always told everyone that my eyelashes just grow and then fall out. I tell everyone that no one knows why. For the 12 years that I have battled this, I have told everyone that exact story. I have told that story so many times that I have actually began to believe my own story. A commercial may come on tv about growing eyelashes. It sparks my attention and I think about buying it. Then I remember, that actually wouldn't help...I'll just pull them all out again.
So you can imagine what kind of enemy Trichotillomania can be. But now for the part you wouldn't expect. Trich poses as your friend.
You may say, "but Kayloni, my wise friend, how in the world could this awful thing ever even come off as your friend?" And I will say, "You're right about me being wise, and I'll tell you how it comes off as your friend."
First of all, when you do something for so long; years upon years, you begin to find comfort in it, no matter how harmful it is. I'm sure you have seen that commercial for the sour patch kids. "First they are sour, then they are sweet"? Trich is just like that, only the other way around. First is is sweet, then it is sour. You have this urge, and if you give into it, oh it feels so good. It relieves the tension as if you were getting a massage. It actually (for me, because I know it may be very different for other trichs) feels like there is pressure under the skin of my eyelashes, then the more I pull out, the more pressure is released.
Second of all, it always creeps into your mind. You think about it constantly. You WANT to hang out with good ole Trich. Trich's always been there. Just one little pull will make you feel a ton better.
But then that one pull turns into two, then three. Then you have a tiny bald spot. You feel that little spot for an hour or two. Your fingers grip the eyelash (or anykind of hair that a trich may be tugging at) that is right next to that bald spot. Out it comes. The bald spot gets larger. Suddenly, it's an hour later and there is nothing left to pull. You are running your fingers over bald eyelids. Your heart drops and you look in the mirror. Back to this. How long will it take for them to grow back? I need to restock on eyeliner now. Trich was back to his tricks. He posed as my friend, but I just remembered that he is my enemy. Damn you Trich.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Introduction
Have you ever felt the urge to do something, anything? Maybe you've had a craving for a certain food, or REALLY wanted to buy that dress at the mall. Now take that urge and multiply it by about ten or even twenty. That's the urge that a thrichster feels when sitting in front of a mirror, holding a pair of tweezers, trying not to pull out that eyelash that they've been messing with for the last six or so hours. I've often questioned if it was even possible to not pull it out. I don't think I've ever been able to put down the tweezers without pulling at least one eyelash... and all you other trichsters know what that leads to: more lash pulling.
If you just happen to run across this blog and find it interesting, and you don't have trichotillomania, by all means please read on. I must warn you, you probably will not understand it. You will not understand why or the range of emotions that we go through or how great it feels to pull but then how miserable it feels when you realize that your eyelids are bald. I just have one request: try to understand. Then again, what am I saying? If you are reading this, you must be trying to understand, right?
I have been pulling my eyelashes out for at least 12 years. I'm not sure exactly when I started or even why. I have told no one for all of these years except when I told my wonderfully understanding boyfriend last month. That is the same time that I began researching it and finding out that there are many people out there who do the same thing...and often think they are alone until they research it. I started this blog because I actually came across someone else who did this, and I read her blog. It inspired me to write about it. Maybe if I talk about it daily it will help. This way, it's not as embarrassing because I'm not looking someone in the face as I'm talking. This could be the start of something great!
If you just happen to run across this blog and find it interesting, and you don't have trichotillomania, by all means please read on. I must warn you, you probably will not understand it. You will not understand why or the range of emotions that we go through or how great it feels to pull but then how miserable it feels when you realize that your eyelids are bald. I just have one request: try to understand. Then again, what am I saying? If you are reading this, you must be trying to understand, right?
I have been pulling my eyelashes out for at least 12 years. I'm not sure exactly when I started or even why. I have told no one for all of these years except when I told my wonderfully understanding boyfriend last month. That is the same time that I began researching it and finding out that there are many people out there who do the same thing...and often think they are alone until they research it. I started this blog because I actually came across someone else who did this, and I read her blog. It inspired me to write about it. Maybe if I talk about it daily it will help. This way, it's not as embarrassing because I'm not looking someone in the face as I'm talking. This could be the start of something great!
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