An Enemy Posing As A Friend

So you may be wondering why I named this blog Trichotillomania: An Enemy Posing As A Friend. It's a good question. Well have no fear! Kayloni is here!.... To explain.

I'm sure it's pretty obvious how Trich is an enemy. It can ruin your self-esteem. It can make it so that you never want to look anyone in they eye again, causing you to come off as rude or lying. It can make you act completely opposite of the definition of __(insert_your_name_here)__. It causes you to lie in that you never want to tell anyone that you are the only reason for your hair loss. Every fellow trich that I have talked to had some sort of made up story that they told most other people as to why they had a bald spot, whether it be on their head, eyelid, eyebrow, or anywhere else. For instance, I've always told everyone that my eyelashes just grow and then fall out. I tell everyone that no one knows why. For the 12 years that I have battled this, I have told everyone that exact story. I have told that story so many times that I have actually began to believe my own story. A commercial may come on tv about growing eyelashes. It sparks my attention and I think about buying it. Then I remember, that actually wouldn't help...I'll just pull them all out again.

So you can imagine what kind of enemy Trichotillomania can be. But now for the part you wouldn't expect. Trich poses as your friend.

You may say, "but Kayloni, my wise friend, how in the world could this awful thing ever even come off as your friend?" And I will say, "You're right about me being wise, and I'll tell you how it comes off as your friend."

First of all, when you do something for so long; years upon years, you begin to find comfort in it, no matter how harmful it is. I'm sure you have seen that commercial for the sour patch kids. "First they are sour, then they are sweet"? Trich is just like that, only the other way around. First is is sweet, then it is sour. You have this urge, and if you give into it, oh it feels so good. It relieves the tension as if you were getting a massage. It actually (for me, because I know it may be very different for other trichs) feels like there is pressure under the skin of my eyelashes, then the more I pull out, the more pressure is released.

Second of all, it always creeps into your mind. You think about it constantly. You WANT to hang out with good ole Trich. Trich's always been there. Just one little pull will make you feel a ton better.

But then that one pull turns into two, then three. Then you have a tiny bald spot. You feel that little spot for an hour or two. Your fingers grip the eyelash (or anykind of hair that a trich may be tugging at) that is right next to that bald spot. Out it comes. The bald spot gets larger. Suddenly, it's an hour later and there is nothing left to pull. You are running your fingers over bald eyelids. Your heart drops and you look in the mirror. Back to this. How long will it take for them to grow back? I need to restock on eyeliner now. Trich was back to his tricks. He posed as my friend, but I just remembered that he is my enemy. Damn you Trich.